Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
