what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just want nice things and good sex
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize