the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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