I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
