I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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