How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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