My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
