Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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