There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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