i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
