i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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