my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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