He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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