I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
