New low: just hacked my moms facebook
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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