can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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