ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
