From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Come see our sink grown plant.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
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