If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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