I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
even my farts smell like vagina
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Randomize
