apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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