$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
