who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize