Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
