gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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