you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
