i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
