i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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