Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
