It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize