dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
