just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
