first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Randomize
