$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i just had sex bonerless
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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