I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize
