I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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