I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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