I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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