Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
