Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
