my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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