Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
