i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
