Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
