I wish I could teleport
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
