I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Sorry about my life...
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