Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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