Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
