So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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