so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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