I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
