i just sent this text using only my big toe
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
