He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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