My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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