My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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