I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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