I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
