THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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