Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
